Something is bothering me. Something insidious, devious and beloved by many… and for once I’m not talking about Disney. I’m talking about sandwiches.
Lately I have been packing on weight. Why? Because I eat delicious delicious rice garden all the time for lunch, and I work ludacris hours so I don’t ever get off my ass and do anything physical. So I have decided to seize control of my body and start getting myself back in shape (plus rice garden was chewing on my budget).
Therefore the first thing to do was axe the chinese. What do I use to replace my beloved MSG-soaked lunch, start packing sandwiches. They’re quick and easy, and have a great deal of variety: breads, meats, condiments. However when i started to eat these sandwiches I found despite all the variety they all taste essentially the same.
Then it dawned on me. Sandwich is the lowest form of food. What is the end form of meat in cafeterias? Sloppy Joe’s. What do you do with the thanksgiving leftovers? Put them inbetween two slices of bread. It is the end catch basin of food. Not particularly bad, but just asonishingly mediocre.
If you don’t agree with me think of it this way. I ask you if you want to get some prime rib, where do you thinjk we’re going to go? A.J. Spurs, maybe if you are thinking big… Holdrens.
Now lets say I add the word sandwich to the end of it. “Would you like to get a prime rib sandwich?” Now where are we going? Quiznos! If the sandwich form can actively devalue a particular cut of meat there is no telling what end of damage a sandwich can do to the rest of the food world.
So the next time you pick up a loaf of bread at the store think for a second to what you are doing to your meats, vegetables and condiments of your choice. That being said… I’m going to go make my sandwich for tomorrow’s lunch.
I was talking about this to one of my friends, its kind of odd, but it seems like the writing has triggered a whole cascade of memories in my head. Since most everything I have ever written was in first person, and I'm... ahem... if I do say so myself. Very good at writing in a conversational first person tone I would like to improve my ability to write in third person where, even if I am the subject, its not from my eyes.
"mooommmmm" whined the 9 year old Nick as his mother tried to put a jacket on the squirming pre-teen. He was thankful his costume covered his face or else she would have tried to wrap a scarf around his head. Scarves never lasted long on nick, the moment they got moist with his breath they were immediately removed, and then promptly lost, but this, this was different. Tonight the 9-year old child was a ninja, who willingly wore a tightly would peice of cloth around his head, a red sash, and plastic katana hanging at his side. Unfortunately for the japanese warrior he was encumbered by a large red down coat.
"How am I supposed to sneak up on anybody wearing this?" He said waving his hands up and down to demonstrate he couldn't even place his hands at his sides.
"Its cold out there sugarboog" she said kissing his nose "and I don't want you to get cold."
"I never get cold and you know it" he said scrunching his face, since he was already too warm.
"If you get out there and you're not cold I'll let you take it off." She said conceding the point to him.
They hit the chill October air of Williams Bay Wisconsin, it was still light out as it was mid-afternoon, the sun was shining the sky a clear pale blue, and the air cold enough to leave puffs of steam. Like all the other kids with their parents Nick ran up and down the street infront of his parents waiting for them to catch up to him, a moment after knocking on the first door an old lady had opened the door.
"Trick or treat!" Nick said in the singsong voice that children use holding out his bag.
"Ohhh my, and what are you supposed to be?" She said placing a pack of grape Nerds and a fun-sized Snickers bar in his bag.
"A ninja!" He said kicking his leg up gracelessly and striking the pose that he had practiced in the mirror the night before.
"And what a good ninja you are." She said smiling at him.
Nick ran back to the sidewalk where his parents waited for him, puffy red down jacket halfway off by the time he got there. Nick was never cold, he was always warm, besides who would know him and fear him as the ferocious warrior he was if they couldn't see his costume. Several houses all went better than the first with all the people who opened the door cooing what a scary ninja he was. By the time the reached the 13th house Nick was just beginning to hit his stride, legs pounding the ground in rapid succession as he ran up to the house with a garage in front of it.
In full candy induced bloodlust Nick was halfway to the door before he realized that this house was... different. His run slowed to a walk and then he stopped as he looked off to the right and saw a teenager lying in the front lawn. The teenager was lying with his legs crumpled under him, a feathered mask on with a striped t-shirt and jeans, there was blood spattered on his face and the ground as he lay under a huge tree branch, his hand still in a bag of candy. Nick stared for a minute not sure what to make of this and looked back at his parents who were smiling, so taking a cue from them he continued towards the door. Suddenly up and to the left an evil laugh was heard as a figure he hadn't seen stepped out onto the garage swinging a staff.
The ninja froze for a split second and then quickly leapt turning 90 degrees in the air to face his attacker and brandished his plastic katana. He stood there as the figure on the roof paused for a second, and continued the laughter. Realizing the sword was not the weapon for this fight he turned to pretend shurikens and began throwing them at his assailant who fell backwards on the roof never to be heard from again.
While all this excitement was going on Nick had not heard the groaning behind him. He turned to walk back to his parents who pointed him back towards the house. As he turned back to the house he saw the kid under the branch writhing and Nick paralyzed in fright. The teenager sat up, tossed Nick a peice of candy and the flopped back down pretending to be dead. Not being the most coordinated child, and due to the fact that he had taken his non-ninjalike glasses off he missed the candy by no more than 6 inches and picked it up off the ground with a minimum of fumbling.
Turning to his parents and opening his hard fought for Crunch bar he bounced up and down in excitement.
"Did you see me? Did you see me? He tried to attack me but then I attacked him and he fell down. I threw my ninja stars at him and he died." The words spilled out in a breathless torrent as the brief but intense stimulation wore down.
Much like many of the other kids who buzzed up and down the street Nick told every child he had come across what happened in that typical breathless way, pointing out the house so that other kids could have the same experience, not realizing that they because of this it would not be nearly as cool for them as it was for him. In true childlike fashion Nick did not know that he had gotten a gift far better than any Crunch bar at that house that evening.
