3/1/2002 (picking up girls)

As a side note I feel I should add the fact that I actually got into a fair bit of trouble for writing this article... ironically enough the vast majority of this came from girls.  It seemed they did not appreciate my calling their boyfriends idiots.  When I pointed out that if they had girlfriends then they really didn't need this article the girls got very pouty and walked away.... needless to say, I was single.

Sports for Dummies: Picking up girls at the Homecoming Dance
Soverign Soothsayer Sports Fiend
Contrary to popular opinion, the Homecoming Dance is a great place to meet girls. This year’s Homecoming Dance actually had more girls than guys attend. If you follow these nine steps you may actually come away from the dance with a girl. Technique 1: Preparation. Girls spend a lot of time to get ready for things like this. Why? I don’t know, but it might not be a bad idea to put in at least one-ninth of the time they spend getting ready. This means investing 15 minutes of quality time in the shower (not for that purpose you sick freaks!) with soap and shampoo, and spending five minutes getting dressed will greatly increase your chances. Technique 2: Here is another quick and easy way to improve your chances. Right now it is not a good idea to take advice from “Something About Mary” and flog-the-dolphin. Invest five seconds in cologne. One quick spray and a light touch to the nape of your neck is sufficient. You know you have used too much cologne if you feel drunk from breathing your own air. (Disclaimer: Shower before use of cologne as combination from cologne and body odor, join forces to create something totally other...) Technique 3: Shaving. While something that I don’t participate in myself, shaving has been suggested by the ladies of the Crimson (yes there are girls in The Crimson Office). The ladies of the Crimson say that unshaved men give “rugburn on their face” (for furthur information on facial rugburns, come to the general meetings on Wednesdays at 6:30). Technique 4: Comb your hair. Before going to the dance, your hair should be soft, smelling good, and most importantly, free from animals. If a cat leaps out of your hair, it is probably a good idea to give it at least one more combing. Technique 5: Now that you have actually managed to get ready for the dance. The following are ways to improve your chances at the dance. Actually dance. Knowing how to dance is not necessary for this activity. If you get out there and move, they will come. If someone kindly calls the paramedics to help you with your epileptic seizure, it may not be a bad idea to discontinue the activity. Technique 6: Now that you are out and dancing and the guy next to you has been carted away by the ambulance and the cute girl who was dancing with him is now dancing with you, it is time not to mess up your chances. Start out with a compliment. Compliments include, but are not restricted to: “You look beautiful in that dress.” “You dance well.” “Your hair looks great.” Also, “I really like that outfit. It would look great crumpled at the end of my bed.” should be avoided at all costs. Technique 7: Now that you are Photo By Rhian Resnick actual talking to a girl, it is vitally important that you keep her attention. Try to keep the conversation in English, variants, and derivatives, such as L337, linux,, other computer languages (Haxxor) should be avoided. These would include “Wanna see my hard drive?” and the immortal “Let me take off your box and overclock your processor.” Technique 8: Now that you have actually found a girl and have been talking comfortably to her (somehow you managed to tactfully skirt that one night with Wanda the lab rat). It is time to show her that chivalry is not dead. Offer to get her something to drink (Do this often enough and you’ll become a better dancer, and better looking with each one. Even better, the Homecoming dance had pineapple juice, the benefits of which are monumental.) Technique 9: Since you have been talking to her, you should, hopefully, by now know her name. Learn it, use it, it is one useful way to tell them apart. It is generally a good rule that if you haven’t known her for over 24 hours, your hands should stay outside of her dress (another contribution from the ladies at the Crimson). The ladies of the Crimson and I have imparted all of our knowledge unto you. It is now time for you to go forth and do great things with this new found charm. One last suggestion-- it is probably a good idea to run away from that guy who just came back from the hospital because some jerk told an ambulance that he was having an epileptic seizure.