2/8/2002 (Roberts Hall Fire Drills)

Sports for Dummies: Roberts Hall Fire Drills
 Florida Tech is not as barren a sports landscape as many people claim. If you need proof of this, look no farther than Roberts Hall, who has a long, heralded tradition of its own sports. The primary sport of Roberts Hall is the Fire Drill. The rules of this game are simple, at 3 A.M. the fire alarm goes off. You then have under four minutes to figure out what that sound is, where you are, why do you have a pounding headache, and what is Wanda the lab rat doing in your bed. After ascertaining this information, you now have less than three minutes (depending on your activities of the previous night) to get outside. Now its time to get out of bed, without waking Wanda, and get some clothes on (since the addition of females to Roberts, you must look good at all times) after double-checking that you are actually wearing pants, and not an upside-down shirt with you legs through the armholes, you have about a minute to get outside. Those on the seventh floor are at a distinct disadvantage, but they do have several stories of momentum for the great stair rush. The goal of the stair rush is to get outside as quickly as possible so you can see the alleged flames claim your dormitory. The rules of the stair rush are, well, there are no rules. Women, small children and men are bowled over with the same reckless abandon. It’s usually a good idea to stay away from the big guys though, they don’t move very much. Once outside, the goal is to stay awake while someone digs through your room to find incriminating objects to bust you on several days after the fire drill. (Note: to many this is a sub-sport in its own, to some it is a matter of hiding all of the incriminating evidence. However, some like to leave the appearance of something incriminating, like a bag of sugar on the table, then just as the searcher feels the trap is closing, make them realize that they really have nothing.) Once you’ve gotten over the initial panic that they may find Wanda still sleeping peacefully on your bed, you come to the hardest part of the fire drill, the test of will. Whatever you do, do not lie down, no matter how much the cold concrete soothes your throbbing headache. Now it is time for the creative part of the competition. The judges are watching, so be inventive. It is now time to roundly curse whoever did this and tell what you would do if you ever catch who pulled the alarm (which you never will). After about forty minutes outside you finally get the okay to enter the building. Once inside, you are faced with a new choice: do you join the game of Hey-Let’s-Cram-as-Many-People-as- We-Can-In-the-Roberts-Elevators- That-Always-Break-Down, or do you join the game that the Vikings banned for its brutality, taking the stairs. Once you have valiantly fought your way up the stairs in your bleary-eyed and weakened state, it is time to collapse into bed and hope that your eight o’clock class is cancelled. Unfortunately for you there is no rest for the weary, as Wanda is in the middle of the bed bristling at the fact that you didn’t wake her up.