1/25/2002

 Whatever happened to the Vaunted Tradition of “The Midget Toss?”  
As I went to solidify my status as the Sports Fiend, I was digging through the Clemente archives and came across some ancient scrolls of former intramural events. I feel that it is time to pay homage to these fallen sports of antiquity. Those fallen sports of old, classics such as Bag the Badger, Log Rolling, the William Tell Challenge, the Running of the Bulls (on a daily basis), Midget Tossing , and Pin-the-Tail-on-the- Donkey for starters. This article is a tribute to the fallen former intramurals of Florida Tech.
Water Polo- Many people will say “but we have water polo now.” What these people don’t know is that water polo was originally scrapped after the first five horses drowned. The biology department was charged with the task of engineering a new horse that was able to stand the challenge of the water. This project was eventually scrapped after the sports department received a rhinoroach (a very large cockaroach with a horn and a nasty disposition), a meerbadger (a badger meercat crossbreed that is quite possibly responsible for the last ahtletic director’s mysterious disappearance. Legends say that it is still loose in Clemente.)
Greco-Roman Hot Oil Wrestling- First off this is wrong, just wrong. This lovely little pipe-dream was scrapped when the Rat couldn’t muster enough oil to sponsor the event. The conclusion was reached that this must have something to do with Florida Tech’s mysterious “Plan 17-J.”
Find the Pi Lam Scavenger Hunt- This wonderful sport is remarkably similar to the Mid-western tradition of “Snipe Hunting.” This is where a bunch of people (usually drunk) convince someone that if they stand in the forest with a bag and stay really silent for a real long time, that they can bag a snipe. This wonderful game was sent to the trashcan when the snipes showed up, and the Pi Lams didn’t.
Evans Eat-Off- The name says it all. Honestly anyone who can tolerate large amounts of food at Evans deserves a trophy.
The Mr. T. 1-800-Collect Challenge- Honestly, how hard could this be? This is Florida Tech isn’t it? The intramural commission found out how difficult this can be when several engineers banded together, and attempted to transform their telephone into a communicator to contact Captain Kirk.
The Point out a Palm Tree Pilot Challenge- No matter how clearly the rules were set the pilots kept insisting on calling the tower to find the location of the palm trees. It was finally conclusively proven that a pilot can do nothing without the tower.
Communications Survivor- The communications department took all of their students and dropped them off on a small uninhabited island in the middle of Lake Okeechobee in a similar setup to the hit television show. After picking up the communications people three months later, the season was officially ruled a draw when they were all found talking to trees about the difficulty of their schedule.
Chemical Engineer Achieving Enlightenment Through Silent Meditation Class- O.K. This was not an intramural, but interesting nonetheless. Administration was surprised that shortly after this class, a rash of explosions rocked the campus as the chemical engineers started using the class time to make C4 explosives.
Psychology “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”- The school went all out for this one and actually believed that they had something going. After getting Regis to agree to make an appearance, his services were not required. Regis was immediately rendered useless seeing how the game never made it past the one-hundred dollar question. As soon as the first question was asked, the psychology majors response was lost in a flood of: “Well I have to think A because of the Freudian factor, but what if A doesn’t like being A? What if it is unhappy with being A? Wouldn’t A be much happier as B.... and if so then where would B be happiest? How exactly do we define A anyway? Can we really make such a complex concept a single letter? And if I don’t choose C will it have a complex...”